Phenylethylamine - An Experimental Text by Hana Pera Aoake

By Hana Pera Aoake

Hana Pera Aoake (Ngāti Mahuta, Ngāti Raukawa) is an artist and writer trapped in Te Whanganui-a-tara. Hana is a repressed bogan with a heart of gold, currently struggling through the trauma of an MFA at Massey University Te Kunenga Ki Pūrehuroa. Hana works mostly in the Māori collective Fresh and Fruity with Mya Morrison-Middleton (Ngāi Tahu) and writes about their feelings online.

​​Phenylethylamine. 

Phenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylamine This is all just chemical I wanted to drown in the lake but you said you will have to come too Never let anyone see you dont see me  Imagine being invisible but you can only do it for five minutes at a time I got my nails done like Mahuika Bright red Fire sparks Throwing my last sparks at John the 45 year old accountant Racially ambiguous Slip in and slip out Firestarter by the prodigy plays slowly in the club Imagine eating a watermelon seed and having the seed expand in your stomach Fake pregnancy Wearing my kylie jenner lipkit while in labour I never miss out on a good opportunity to shine My uncle signed my cousin’s funeral book with “Shine on you crazy diamond” My mum asked me if I knew the reference Shine bright like a diamond False dichotomies Slipping in and out What if I just swam away Please don't hurt me Baby don’t hurt me My flatmate plays What is Love? By Haddaway on repeat for a week I feel like a child all the time and sometimes you make me feel worse about it Hine-Tītama committing suicide from all the shame Hine-Tītama becomes Hine-nui-te-pō Diasporic expressions of place displacement over many years it never goes away don't Mariah Carey fantasy 
phenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylamineMariah Carey in rollerblades and denim cut offs High femme priestess Obviously an Aries Mixed race and not here to play Should that be on my tombstone? When Coco Solid said “Boil up blood” Please dont make boil up for Pākehā they don’t deserve it A dream where Mya, George, Ana, Piupiu and I are wearing Kawakawa wreaths crying over our black coloured rivers and oceans and lakes I don’t have to explain this to you I think you just already know softly softly body shapes and lines following an iphone glow My ancestors cuss at me everytime i swipe right on white boy named Chad, Owen, Brad or Oscar Phenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylamine But you you you you you you Auahi-roa and Mahuika all of our children burning on my pointy red shellacs fingers heavy through time RSI and from being covered in heavy stacks of rings im flipping my hair back with you in our convertible my lana del rey at venice beach moment a whirlwind heat hot a flash a look can u know someone without meeting them scorpio in scorpio season please help im not used to feeling feeling feelings ever Sonic Youth Goo aesthetic Hey kool thing punching darts with you but you’re not actually here lol wake up to your night messages that float through time zones and time is really lasting a long time I never thought I had much time I’m not patient and I’m sorry I should stop saying sorry I used to write poems everyday to erase sadness but it didn't work but what do i do now I wear earrings that make my lobes bleed and silk dresses everyday I feel happy but what does that even mean? Phenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylamine I don’t know where Te Awamutu is and I feel stupid because my placenta is buried in Matamata and Nana is buried in Taupiri but I really don't know it at all my river is black and it fills me with sadness I think of cheese like cellulite or like slapping my face and spitting on me I want your spit though all over me gross I know the Waikato water is in my veins but its very sick. Is it bad that Twin Peaks is my favourite show? I don’t want to watch shows where women are brutalised is it too much to ask? My flat voted me as Audrey and its true Im that bitch my obsessive nature I think you are good for my wairua I don’t feel sick but my chest hurts its like you will jump out of it I’m Mahuika scratching my nails down your back Choke me How long can you be sexually frustrated without screaming please end it lets burn hahahaha You make fun of me for talking about the weather Ko Tāwhirimātea te atua o te hau me ngā āwhā Tāwhirimātea scratches on the window Hello Tāwhirimātea but      can you fuck off sorry please dont be angry its already scorpio season Phenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylamine I hope that you read this and that your fingernails are clean Ra'iātea Please dont think im a baby I am not naive Ariadne was the true hero not Theseus Sir Edmund enucleates one of the dead priests' eyes, and Simone inserts it within her vagina, while she and the narrator have sex water your vagina for a rainy day egg           egg eggy born with an        egg George told me this and really freaked me out biologically determined etc Dreamy romantic anxious Is it too late to ask? Slacker artworks Im not slacker theres too much capricorn in my chart is it all okay just push those feelings away no need for those I can’t believe Tristan refused to watch the episode where everyone found out he cheated on Khloe I’m sorry I kissed her the guilt is on the screen so i hope they dont see it I even told u and u just thought it was not really my fault I dont want to be flawed I wish i was perfect like a homecoming queen with no thoughts just smiling Phenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylamine I probably yeah you okay I have   a smiley face bag that i worry is too passive aggressive how do u even know what someone looks like I hated that in the Netherlands there were so many smiley faces everywhere and everyone wore mac pacs and smiled on bikes i hate bikes come to hawai’i with me lets get married by dolly parton is that too much or too little lol soz stephanie seymour in the november rain video pork bones in the boil up something so appealing about the word bacon but not the word pork its too late to ask now I always think about that poor couple that got boiled alive in dante’s peak thank god for pierce brosnan Did you hear about how angry Rūaumoko is? Choke me plz thank god for you don't tell anyone I said that okay
I  am very shy deep down I hope u are too Phenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminephenylethylaminepheny