'Matua' - A Poem by Anna McAllister

By Anna McAllister

Anna McAllister (Te Aitanga-a-Māhaki, Ngāti Porou) is a 23 year old mana wahine Māori intersectional feminist, currently studying towards her Masters of Fine Arts at Massey University Wellington. Growing up as a self proclaimed white-passing diasporic Māori. Anna has had the pleasure of occupying both pākehā and Māori spaces whilst simultaneously never completely fitting in either. Anna is a poet, performance and installation artist whose work occupies a complex space within Te Ao Māori; interweaving responsibilities to tikanga Māori, mana wāhine, with contemporary ideas of sexuality, modern cultural identities, and social media. This array of interests and the tensions that these may give rise to, promote a perspective that is both timely and culturally aware.

Anna McAllister, Gemini.

Matua.

​Are you going to be ok? First time seeing    seeing that white man. A year after the fact. Taller than I remember. I had shrunk him in my mind to a point were he didn't seem so unkillable. Much more imposing now, towering over me again. Over me    again. On top of me    again. Press down   
on my soul and strangle it     to death.

She said her death breath then breathed over us to hide us underneath her pain. She said she doesn’t fuck with white men anymore, said her ancestors wouldn't stop haunting her unless she stopped getting dicked by pākehā fuck boi's.

I have been doing the work over the year. Doing the hard labor to insure survival. Been struggling that’s for sure. Being thriving on instagram tho. Follow me @nope.thank.you.very.much. Slide in my dm’s Daddy. I ain't never had a Māori sugar daddy before, but Matua I am ready. Ravage me with our shared histories. Shower me in gifts of your knowledge. After all you were brought up in it, in Ruatoki of all places. Not me Daddy I am one of those urban Māori , one of those prays to her ancestors in the club bathroom crying in broken reo, Māori . One of those ‘i feel like i’m grasping at straws here’ Māori .

But your like on some Rua Kenana shit right? Your like a deep down, lives and breaths it right? I just wanna breathe you in. Maybe fucking you will make me feel like I finally belong. Maybe fucking you will make me forget that white man and the pain he put over me, and over her, and over Papatūānuku. Maybe not. But Matua, I think we should try.

I wonder if I would have such a daddy complex if colonization had not happened? I wonder if this is some internalized shit? Maybe I should just rub    breath one out before I text you, didn't Oprah say that? I feel like that’s something Oprah would tell me to do. I told her this and she said that she wholeheartedly supports my decision to fuck you, or to fuck him up. Maybe I should just rub breath it out before I see you. This is such a small city though so that is going to become an issue.

Let’s try to heal me together. Misguided affection isn't self-sabotage right? Misguided trust for any Māori man who looks like my koro, who I never met so, misguided trust for any Māori  man. I trust you to wash away the white stains, they are so hard to get out. I have been trying for years but that shit is potent.

It stains us wahine and when we walk past each other there's a somber nod of recognition. I see you sister, we have seen the same shit that we have been seeing since Hine-nui-te-pō left for the underworld. Then Maui became a white man with a white god. Then he became Ethan, Jack, and Eric for me. Who is he for you? My mum told me: every white man will hurt you, every white man will kill you, every white man will steal your wairua and leave you, then she turned around and gave that white man ‘beautiful’ white passing babies.

Just so you know I don’t wanna have kids, but I can be ur kids hot step mum if that's what you need from me. What exactly do you need from me? I normally know what I want from sugar daddies. I deserve my reparations from those rich old pākehā men. Those captain cook looking motherfuckers. But I think you can give me so much more. Make me feel like the goddess I am without making me feel dirty and exotic. I can be Hine-ahu-one for you, mold me into a women you can love. My body is soft and pliable, just like my mind Matua, let me be your perfect half-cast princess. Mouth   open    eyes    shut    tongue    out.

Anna says.... "Is writing poetry about someone then inviting them to the reading flirting? I’m a gemini and apparently that explains why I'm so impatient and bored with relationship foreplay. I can't even tell you the amount of times I have said “so we gonna fuck or…?” Sooooo are we gonna fuck or nah? Talk about seeking active consent!"​

You can follow Anna on Instagram @nope.thank.you.very.much